User:	smokingpope
	Date:	2009-12-28 00:46
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

i wish i could just write all my hate and loneliness away. i'm in a terrible place, as usual really. it's been a cycle for a very long time. there's so much that contributes to it and it makes me physically sick in the stomach. i never used to be a person who thought about things i could have done differently, until as of late. it seems that's all i've been thinking about. All the things i should have done differently. there are so many things i should have said. each night it's another regret that eats away at me. and for so long it's been just one big pity party with me. i've been trying to get my stuff together so i can atleast start subbing and then get ready for the praxis so i can go back to school to be a teacher, but i have no motivation to do it. i need to be pushed to do it.

i've found myself drinking more and more. it's not to the point where i'm not going to work or anything like that, but it is heavy and often.

no one can change this for me. that's what i understand. that's the hardest thing to grasp. if i really want to change, i have to do it. i just have no motivation or desire to right now. i'm trying to ride this out. and i understand that life is rough. and really i don't have it all that bad, but it's still my life. and this is what's happening. i'm miserable over life, death, lost love, lost oppurtunities.

if only writing this down could make it all seep away.

	User:	umpachki
	Date:	2009-12-23 14:48
	Subject:
	Security:	Public

	User:	smokingpope
	Date:	2009-12-23 01:15
	Subject:	Happy Birthday to me
	Security:	Public

25 years old today. fuck.

watch a video or listen to the song "What Have I Done?" by Cursive. I relate to it so much right now.